April 28, 2022

My plight: Chronic Lyme/toxic black mold exposure and the HLA-DR gene that inhibits the ability to clear toxins.

These are some traumatic photos i wasn't sure i could ever share. I apologize in advance for assaulting you with them. I guess i feel tangibility is in order.

I have been in hiding most of these last 3 years and i didn't know if this was going to be a Thelma Louise trip or not. I took full insurance out on this one way rental for that reason alone so my husband wouldn't have to eat the rental car too.

The pain i have endured has been debilitating. Mast cell reactions caused inflammation from brain to groin. I lost every bit of my body hair within a span of 24 hours. Under the veil of Covid, i donned a wig, mask and glasses and no one knew who i was. That disguise was my superpower.Taking my life was forefront every single day. I felt i was no longer worth the investment. Good Doctors aren't covered by insurance and charge upwards of $1,000 an hour merely for the consultation. Uneducated doctors play like they know how to heal and charge half of that cost and are still not covered by insurance. They failed both me and my husband sending me into a deep depression, ultimately leading to severe PTSD.

I could not live in houses. They all had minuscule amounts of mold that threw me into a cytokine storm. And if you are exposed to this toxicity for lengthy periods, an unfathomable chemical hypersensitivity sneaks it's way in, further damaging your ability to heal. (adding even more complications to the mix.)

So, i slept in my car and camped with the animals. Most terrifying were the bears. I would see them in daylight and scuttle them away at night by kicking a bucket filled with empty seltzer cans.

The rhesus monkeys in Silver springs, Florida (let loose during the Tarzan films...and left uncontrolled to breed) were daunting too. I googled footage of their aggressive behavior and heard troops above my head as i tried to sleep in my car in that jungle. That miserable trip was originally planed as a quiet getaway before i knew how humid, moldy climates treated me. I never really slept and was beyond exhausted. I wanted to die but certainly not by being mauled or attacked.

I'm just so very grateful for my husband who put every endeavor into keeping me here, and alive. He painstakingly built a house for me that kept me going for sadly no more than a year. It broke my heart leaving him and my little house and all that i had known for so long. It was his last ditch effort to keep me home. In the end, the land was too damp for my failing body.

I was living a tragedy shrouded with guilt in which i had no control. My cognition was damaged to the point that i was unable to solve simple math problems or put sentences together. This trip is not a joy ride, by any means. However, if you have ever been extremely ill, even from influenza, you will recall that feeling of the light shining through and the joy of functioning once again which is where i am now... just two weeks in. The sentence structure here isn't perfect...but it's proof my cognitive functions are returning. I still have a long haul ahead, but I'm getting the treatment i need. This trip was purely a desperate attempt to stay alive, for the sake of those who insisted i do so. I was in such a state that i could not wrap my head around those folks and their selfishness. I seriously sought out countries that would humanely allow me to let go.

Now, and only now, can i joyously say those thoughts are off the table. I will house sit for the next two weeks while my friend Alison takes a well earned vacation, and after that, i don't really know.

So here's to the land of the living and another day on this planet. And cheers to everyone who thought i was worth the investment. I only wish i could repay everyone for the kindness and diligence that offers a future of opportunities to contribute once again in this complicated world. I truly believe it is more than a possibility as these days unfold.